“There is a means to every end, a root to any cause. Sometimes the root is more evil than any cause, though it’s the cause that is usually the most vilified” – Michael Connelly, The Poet.
As mentioned at the end of my previous article in this series, I have recently had a series of blood tests for hypoglycaemia, diabetes and anaemia. The results of these tests were clear for the most part, though one did reveal that I have sub-clinical hypothyroidism which can result in sensitivity to temperature changes, dramatic changes in appetite, cognitive function and mood. However, when I asked if my case was severe enough to cause the immense swings in physical and emotional stability, my GP simply laughed and replied, “it was barely picked up in the test, it is highly unlikely that what you describe is as a result of hypothyroidism to such a small degree.” At this point I feel it is safe to rule out blood related conditions as a cause of chemical imbalance in the brain. If my troubles are resulting from such a chemical imbalance, then I feel it is likely congenital in a similar vein to autism or bipolar disorder. This is something which I will research in more depth later on.
While examining the various triggers for my emotional fluctuations is indeed insightful, it is merely an observation of that which is symptomatic of a much deeper problem. I am, for instance, not prone to angry outbursts in response to spilt milk because I genuinely despise the spilling of milk, but the spilling of the milk triggers an outburst because it is but one example of my flaws as a human being; though the spillage may not have been the direct result of my own clumsiness, for some reason my mind interprets that event as such, and thus I become frustrated at myself, despite not being to blame. But again, this is but one step on the ladder which descends to the darkest roots of the problem. My frustration at my perceived ineptitude stems from a deep rooted self-hatred, which is a direct result of a number of contributing factors from my childhood:
1. I blame myself for the instability of my family. This is highly irrational, but it is typical of children growing up in unstable environments to feel responsible for the unrest between their parents, and given the impressionable nature of a child’s mind, this idea becomes encoded in the subconscious and can last long into the person’s adult life if left unchecked.
2. My inadequacies were repeatedly highlighted as a child, and I was regularly scolded for my lack of understanding or ability to follow instructions which were far beyond my level of comprehension. As a result, I have been subconsciously programmed to judge myself harshly against a set of unrealistically high standards which, when they are not met, triggers an emotional response similar to that which was directed towards me by adults in my youth.
3. My inability to perform certain tasks acts as a constant reminder that I am only human. As odd as this may sound, for everyone knows that they are only human and that all humans have flaws, I immersed myself in a fantasy in which I was capable of anything as a means of escaping the perceived reality of being unable to live up to the expectations of my elders. In doing so I could forget that I was inadequate and pretend that I was not a disappointment in order to make myself feel better emotionally, and of course some remnant of that childhood fantasy endured and solidified in my subconscious mind so that when it is broken, it reminds me that I, at least in my own mind, was always inadequate which brings back those feelings of self-hatred, anger and guilt.
By the same token, my propensity towards aggression in arguments stems from my witnessing such behaviour as a child, and thus coming to the conclusion at that early age that such behaviour is not only acceptable, but also the only effective method of prevailing over another of an opposing outlook. For years I saw my elders overcome domestic arguments with both verbal and physical violence, which left an imprint on my psyche, especially in my early teens when this behaviour became directed at me. Naturally a simple argument would descend into a verbal slanging match, with me merely replicating what I had seen and heard so many times before, and eventually escalate into spontaneous bouts of lashing out at one another until we ended the conflict with one or both us in pain and tears. These encounters were never the result of a premeditated resolution to hurt one another, but rather just happened as a result of both of our instinctual reactions coming into play in response to certain psychological stimuli. It would appear that many of my more problematic emotional traits are in fact inherited from my mother, perhaps through genetics, or perhaps through environmental conditioning and mirror neuron response. It is difficult to know, though I am inclined to think it is due to both in equal measure, for she too suffered trauma in her early teens which I will not discuss for that is her history, not mine. Another reason for my aversion towards aggression is likely due to a desire to establish authority or control over a situation based on the mirrored behaviour of my parents. I suppose it’s true that often the victim of bullying becomes the bully, for I find myself demanding obedience and respect from those around me where it is not due, and my anger flares up when people do not conform to my way of thinking or behaving, just as I saw my elders become angry when people didn’t do as they wanted; so it occurs almost naturally for me to become angry and resort to aggression when things or people don’t go as I want them to.
So, my short temper and explosive rage is partly due to being mentally scarred by witnessing domestic violence, and partly due simply to bad parenting? That may be so, but I can’t help but be plagued by the same questions that I posed in the last article. If that were the case then surely I would have adopted other behavioural traits such as alcoholism, drug abuse, contempt for society and a penchant for rebellion? It is my intention to circumvent this problem with reference to some controversial science, the dichotomy of Nature versus Nurture. As I have outlined above, the “Nurture” aspect of my psychology is wholly inadequate to explain why I have adopted one set of personality traits but not others, and so it is to the “Nature” aspect that we must now shift our focus, the nature of hereditary personality traits through genetics. To begin I will examine my Mother’s side of the family. She herself has a very short temper, as well as a disregard for authority and a weakness for alcohol. Her mother, my grandmother, has none of these traits and is instead a kind, patient and docile woman with a great degree of self-discipline. Instead we should look to my grandfather, who does have a short temperament, enjoys his drink in moderation and can become very hot headed just like his father before him. Both were military men, and both held old fashioned values regarding discipline of children. This, one might assume, is the root of the problem; but it’s not quite the whole picture. My mother’s brother, far from being a chip off the old block, is less prone to letting his emotions get the better of him. He is indeed ruthless when it comes to getting what he wants, and he is impatient, but he rarely loses his temper over anything. This directly contradicts the assumption that genetic traits in the paternal strain are passed directly to the next generation of males and thus bypassing any female offspring. Instead the complete opposite has happened and the female has adopted more personality traits from the father while the male has adopted traits from the mother.
While this may not aid in discounting the role of genetic predisposition in my own behaviour, it does demonstrate how genetics can be overridden, just as many of the environmental factors have been overridden in my situation. Therefore, it could be concluded that neither genetics nor environment are fully responsible for our behavioural composition; but before we jump to that conclusion, let us now look at my father’s side of the gene pool. My father is a man prone to stress, yet his inability to stop himself from working acts as a major contributing factor to this. Despite this he is patient, persistent and well disciplined, as well as a perfectionist which explains his being a workaholic. Neither he, nor either of his parents has any problems with their temper, and all are extremely patient and willing to persevere in order to help others. Finally, none of them have any kind of addiction. Despite my not knowing my father or his family for over twenty years, I seem to have inherited many, if not most of his personality traits as I have grown up, being guided away from certain behaviours which were prevalent in my mother. So why is it, that my genetic makeup is configured in such a way as to guide me on the better path? How, having no contact with my father and being raised by my mother, have I adopted most of the traits of the former? While I cannot deny that genetic predisposition plays a huge role in my behaviour, I cannot help but feel that my “acceptance” of some genetic traits and my “rejection” of others is influenced by something outside of and greater than myself. One explanation for this comes from the scientist Rupert Sheldrake in his thought provoking literary work The Science Delusion with his theory of “Morphic Resonance”. This theory postulates that all beings and objects of the same kind develop in accordance with the collective “memory” of all others that have come before them; so a rat in London will learn a new skill, after which time all other rats around the world, having had no contact with the first rat, would begin to learn the same skill with greater ease all at the same time, and the more rats that learn the skill, the faster all other rats around the world learn it. In the same way, it might be possible that I have adopted aspects of my father’s behaviour, and the behaviour of his parents before him through the principle of Morphic Resonance, without having any contact with any of them and without being told of their behaviours in order to emulate them. I simply am like them in so many ways. This theory is still in its infancy however, so I cannot comment on this further at this point in time.
Whatever the cause of my psychological, emotional and behavioural composition, I do feel that the number 3 has significance throughout the universe – 3 primary colours, red, blue and yellow; 3 primary categories of growing things, animal, vegetable, mineral; 3 states of elements, solid, liquid, gas, etc. - and I have come to the understanding that every individual on this Earth is constructed from three primary sources; the genetics of his or her parents, the environment in which he or she is raised, and predetermined intention of an external force or consciousness. This may seem like quite an absurd assumption with no fundamental basis in relation to that which I have discussed hitherto, I have accumulated enough life experience, as well as knowledge from a veritable library of books to come to the conclusion that the fore-mentioned statement is a fact of life that is little recognised by the vast majority of people. While my behavioural and emotional states can, for the most part, be attributed to the genetic inheritance from my parents, the very fact that another part of my genetics guided me away from succumbing to the influences of my immediate environment demonstrates to me that those elements that we inherit from our progenitors are not entirely random, but rather selected by something beyond our physical being, or at the very least influenced by some external force or energy. So what is it that makes me...me? What truly influences the formation of our genetic code? What is it that selects those elements of that code and constructs them in such a way as to determine what kind of people we will grow up to be, regardless of adverse living conditions and potential negative influence of our parents and peers? This is what I will be examining and contemplating through the course of the next few articles, though some thought must first be directed towards contributing factors of a more terrestrial nature, such as diet and exercise. For now, there is a lot of research, soul searching and introspection to be done, so I will be back with my next installment soon. Love, light and peace to all.
Enki Endymion. O(
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