Journey to the Centre of the Self - An Expedition into the Soul, Understanding the nature of the self and overcoming emotional trauma through holistic healing, spiritual practice and psychology - 2. Itchy Fingers

“My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring” – The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson.

Itchy Fingers, it’s not as dodgy as it sounds. In fact, this article will be concentrating on one of the most immediate yet illusive aspects of emotional disturbances, triggers. Life, just like a nervous bank robber, has a very itchy trigger finger; and more often than not, the smallest things get the biggest reactions. It is as though I have another person living inside of me, one who loves to hate, and is always eager to start Armageddon in response to being hit with a pea shooter... my very own Mr Hyde. As a sufferer of emotional instability, I find that most of the time I explode over trivial matters, like the trouble with the dog as mentioned in the last article; and yet for some reason, big events or serious troubles such as finding out I’m in debt, don’t have as much of an effect on my emotions. Why is it that we can suddenly become angry, sad, depressed or anxious over apparently nothing, while at the same time seeming indifferent to matters which could spell disaster for us? Of course, I acknowledge that not everyone is the same, and that some people reading this might suffer extreme fluctuations in mood no matter the problem be it big or small, but I hope that despite using my own experience as a focus for analysis, this article may be applied to anyone, with any problem and to any degree of intensity.

So, the thing that really has me going supernova most often is opposition. I hate arguing, but paradoxically I am often the one that turns a debate into an argument without realising it. I have grown up seeing any and all arguments result in shouting, screaming, slanging matches, punch-ups and destruction of inanimate objects, and it is difficult to break that programming. Naturally I am preconditioned to resort to yelling to get my point across, but to me it only seems as though I’m stating my opinion in an assertive tone. I can usually distinguish between assertiveness and aggression, but when my moods suddenly swing towards anger I don’t notice the transition between the two, and often wonder why other people shout at me. This is the trigger for a blow-out, having someone, from my perspective, shouting at me for no reason when I’m trying to convey a simple opinion. It is only afterwards that I either realise upon reflection, or are told that I was the one who yelled first, thus sparking the argument. It is very important that one keeps track of one’s tone and body language, consciously taking note of how one is standing, one’s facial expressions, and of course the way in which one is speaking. It is so easy, for me especially, to get swept up in the passion of a debate and not pay attention to what I am saying or the way I’m saying it, which far too often leads to misunderstandings and overreactions. Other times, if I have been set into a negative mood by the general misfortune of the day then I have a short fuse from the offset, and can only tolerate a certain amount of opposition before I lose myself to anger. Even something as small as “why am I the only person who cleans the house?” can quickly spiral into a full blown rant, and if anyone argues with me or tries to persuade me that I’m wrong in an effort to stem the tide of resentment, they simply add fuel to the fire resulting in a potentially destructive overflow of frustration. What bothers me is the fact that, as much as I acknowledge these triggers, I still have no idea why they act as such, why they are the buttons that need to be pressed to detonate the bomb inside.

Everyone gets annoyed when life doesn’t go their way, and I am no exception to that rule. I can feel really down when I have a bad day; sometimes I get angry, which is the easiest emotion for me to feel, but other times I simply feel sad, melancholy, or even depressed. The unfortunate part of this is that such emotions are in response to virtually nothing. It seems that if I have had a bad dream, even if I can’t remember it the next day, it still makes me predisposed towards a bad mood for the whole day. When my mood is up, I would not even bat an eyelid over a spilled drink or a stack of clothes being knocked over, or tripping on loose wires, but when my mood is low these things have a deep and lasting effect on me, and all of the little mishaps through the day accumulate into the equivalent of a whole week of accidents and losses. This problem persists despite my acknowledgement of the minor causes, and I find it difficult, if not impossible to change my mind set and to be optimistic. Part of the reason for this, I have realised lately, is to do with my diet and lifestyle which I will write about at length once I have done further research. I am most susceptible to mood swings in the morning before breakfast and in the evenings before dinner, though there are days when life gets in the way of eating and I go for most of the day without food, in which cases I often become volatile in the afternoons. Mood swings also seem to go hand in hand with fatigue; if I have had a particularly long day then I tend to have a much shorter fuse than usual, and the same applies when I have had a long week and have not been able to catch up on sleep. Under these circumstances I find that I am most sensitive to mood changes with much finer triggers.

Perhaps the worst experience is when my mood will change for absolutely no reason at all. One example was only a couple of weeks ago, I had had one of the best, most fun days out that I’d had in a long time, so I had nothing to get me down. No annoying little accidents had happened, I had had plenty of sleep over the preceding days so I was not tired, and I had eaten regularly throughout the day. There was no reason why my mood changed so suddenly, but it did. I was sitting comfortably on my sofa having a nice conversation, when suddenly I felt as though I had just had the worst day of my life. At the same time I felt my energy dissipate, as if someone had pulled a plug out of my body for my soul to drain away. In a matter of seconds I was tired and miserable, so I went to lie down and rest hoping that my mood would improve. But it was also as if my run of good luck and vitality had expired, for every couple of minutes something would happen to interrupt my rest or to simply get on my nerves; I stubbed my toe on the coffee table, then I dragged up the edge of the carpet when I opened the door, then I dropped my phone in the hallway, then I knocked a pile of books off of the shelf as I entered the bedroom to find that the covers hadn’t been made up which became a battle in itself, then the phone rang with someone whom I really didn’t want to speak to, then the doorbell rang with people selling windows....the list went on. And with each addition to that list my mood turned more sour, to the point where I stormed into the bedroom, slammed the door behind me, then lay on my bed and screamed into the pillow so that no one could hear me for what seemed like half an hour, before breaking down into a fit of tears which helped me fall asleep, if only for 20 minutes. After the blow out I felt better. My energy had returned, my mood had gone back to how it had been all day, and nothing else occurred to drag me down again. This sort of thing doesn’t happen too frequently, but when it does it hits me hard, and I have no idea why it happens. A couple of people have suggested that all of the above are connected as symptoms of diabetes, and that I should be tested. While this is a credible theory, I feel that it does not necessarily explain everything, for if it were all simply the result of diabetes then why do both my mood and my energy levels improve after an emotional release and very short doze? Surely I would have to eat or drink to restore my blood sugar levels to their optimum balance? Regardless, I have a blood test booked with my GP and we shall see what the results hold. Meanwhile I will endeavor to explore other explanations for my emotional phenomena in other fields. Until my next installment, love to all! Namaste.

Enki Endymion. O(